"you never really know what God is to you until all you have is God"
After some reflection, i guess my four years in secondary school has taught me this. it was definitely a plan of God for me.still remembered clearly, the time i went into secondary one. i thought to myself,"i am a big boy now, no more a primary school kid." what i was looking for in my secondary school life was summarised in 1 word at that time. FREEDOM. indeed, i have attained the freedom that i want, so much so i started mixing around with the wrong company, often having problems with other people and acting as if the world belongs to you. i very much wanted to do all the things that a world wanted to do, smoke, pierce my tongue, pierce my ear to make myself more "hole-ly".when i started to get into the wrong company i continued hurling vulgarities, sometimes with a combo! i had a very close girlfriend whom i met in a piano class, she provided me with "back-ups" ,so to say. i called on them when i got into individual fights. i didn't really see them because they said that if one more time they find me then they would come down. apparantly, the next time didn't happen. i got into fights, threatening people who called me names, throwing chairs,almost picked up smoking. it was God's grace, i didn't go to an extent whereby i really pierced my tongue or ear and to smoke.Even so, i had many enemies, i didn't have friends. since growing up in a church, it had an impact in my life.God has been preserving me from this world, he kept me safe. my turning point was at the end of sec one, when i was touched by my parent's love and also my conscience. i asked myself if this was the type of life i really wanted. and if my worldly parents loved me this much, how much more would my Creator, my Heavenly Father love me?
pslam 139:13 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."
i decided for a change.
i attended YF and that was when i was encouraged to change with aid of many brothers and sisters. encouragements, time and effort. these are all the angels God placed in my life to guide me.the theme of my first YF camp was surrounding "how to be salt and light for the world." i could slowly see the love of God, His guidance in my life. Secondary two was a year of change, the ultimate turning point in my life. i stopped my vulgarities. many people often say it is hard to abstain, but when i prayed and determined, i did it almost immediately. thank God! i started to lose friends, since i did not really fit in, but i treasured my brothers and sisters in church and God in my life. i started to feel a little bit lonely at the end of sec 2. soon, in sec 3, i found myself in a state whereby i become close to called lonely. i had people who betrayed my trust. i was often encouraged by brothers and sisters that we should set apart for God and even though we face trials, persevere. it was a really tough time,it only got worse in sec 4. like i said, i didn't have friends, but i would say, i had many many companions. i realised the big difference in friends and companions. in sec 3 and sec 4, i had soon began to feel lonely and ever since i have always relied on God. as time goes by, lessons after lessons, i have learnt from the teachings of God in my everyday life.
up till the day i graduated from my secondary school, i would say i hated my school life. but on the contrary, i thank God for it. through my lonliness, i've started to see God in my life. whenever i am lonely i would think of God. indeed, what a friend we have in Jesus. He was there by my side in my everyday life, He walks with me, He talks to me, even through my deepest days. even when sometimes i wanted to give life up, He was there.
DEUT 31:6 " ....He will never leave you nor forsake you"
i believed.
after four years, i have come to realise, that God had a lesson for me to learn. besides the small lessons through the way, on the big picture, He wanted me to learn to Rely on Him and He wanted to be part of my life. He knocks on my heart's door, never did He leave. until i opened and to let Him in. i found Joy that i never could find. after graduation, i have seen that God is part of my life already and everyday, i am ready to entrust matters unto His hand. for He has a plan, a plan to prosper me, and not to harm me. God means so much to me today, because i have been through the darkest days, sin, loneliness, heartbreaks. He was there. i didn't have much support of Humans, i didn't feel appreciated by people, people didn't understand me.sometimes even brothers and sisters, parents, may not even understand you, how you feel, but He was there. i was wronged, i hated being wronged. but God was there, there was hope for justice since God was Just! i lead a miserable life physically for 4 long years. spiritually, God was with me. He had hold onto my hand, brought me through it all. He answered my prayers. today, God means so much to me, God is my rock, my salvation whom i take refuge in. i place my trust in Him, i have faith in Him. i was delievered. He forgave my sins, the sins that was so detestable in His eyes, the sin that brought man away from the Holy God. not only did he forgive me, He has lead me out of it, He has protected me, preserved me, up till today. 4 years was worth while, knowing Him a little better.
when all i had was Him, i know today how much He means to me. what about you?

times like this, i feel like im crushed...
feel stressed from all that studying, though i know its just another week to my O levels, but its just so tiring. so many things on my mind.
a constantly working mind...

sometimes there are just little or even none who really understands what's really going under you, that fictatious smile, laughter.
only to find your heart frowning deeply...

who is there to understand me?
God.

after i read the chat logs, it is different this time, i didn't feel as if i was more drawn to you. but instead, i feel that it was time i let go. i let you go meaning you let me go. remember that? well as i start to grow older, i start to see things in a different perspective.. i start to understnad what you said to me 2 years ago...though its all over...i cherish those pretty and loving moments..its time i let go...10/10/10...never expected that it would be the date..sigh...life's been tough...but through God's grace, i'm still alive...well..i'm starting to get my thoughts sorted out... falling out of my dream already! another year has passed.... perhaps a turn for the new turn, the new me.. but in my heart. i once loved you so badly. a pretty scar that i will treasure...it may not be God's will for us...but you're still my Sister in Christ! a new me..

searching through my old documents in dad's hard drive... i thought after losing my thumbdrive, it meant that i lost the last piece of memory that Jess left behind? was it really the last? somehow i wish it isn't...it so late at night...suppose to be sleeping by now..but just keep on thinking. i read through the chat logs... i realised i truly loved her deeply for who she is...but as time passes on and on again...it suddenly felt so cold... this quietness is deafening, this coldness is burning me... its just bitter sweet to relieve the beautiful memories we had created. was it a mistake to YOU that we both got close? what happened? why the coldness? was it because of my foolish decision. the decision that totally screw my life upside down...why? WHY? i cannot understand why. i feel very angry with myself today...that decision destroyed a r/s that was so very precious to me. and it led me to sin. WHY? i really cannot get it. why did i make such a foolish decision. to leave GOD, to leave Her, to even put aside my values for stupid worldly desires.. i've never stopped loving her. i've never. but i just did something that i am really sorry for..i feel so bitter tonight. somehow i remebered our memories we had, i am waiting for her dream to really come true. wonder if she even remembers. or was it a mistake? a mistake she did not want to repeat, so that explains the coldness...

Girl, you might have changed in certain ways, but i know who you are, even how much you change, i know that the real you is still inside you somewhere.... we have distant...and this distant is pressing against me...even through the coldness of your eyes and speech, i know you are still you...you are the one i was infactuated with, and you were the one that i fell in love with...until now, i've done you so much wrong...i'm sorry. one thing that you really could do, is to trust me again. trust me just this last time. just trust me that i love you...never was there a day that i've never thought of you.

tonight is just 2 weeks and 6 days to my o lvls... im trying hard to concentrate. i will be doing well. for the Lord will strengthen me.. i pray. when i look back at this blog, i want to know that i've given my best for my o lvls. and leaving no stone unturn. for i am Strengthened by the creator of this world. even though things happen, the Lord delievers me. Dear Lord, as i commit my relationship to you. MAY YOUR WILL BE DONE. AMEN.