searching through my old documents in dad's hard drive... i thought after losing my thumbdrive, it meant that i lost the last piece of memory that Jess left behind? was it really the last? somehow i wish it isn't...it so late at night...suppose to be sleeping by now..but just keep on thinking. i read through the chat logs... i realised i truly loved her deeply for who she is...but as time passes on and on again...it suddenly felt so cold... this quietness is deafening, this coldness is burning me... its just bitter sweet to relieve the beautiful memories we had created. was it a mistake to YOU that we both got close? what happened? why the coldness? was it because of my foolish decision. the decision that totally screw my life upside down...why? WHY? i cannot understand why. i feel very angry with myself today...that decision destroyed a r/s that was so very precious to me. and it led me to sin. WHY? i really cannot get it. why did i make such a foolish decision. to leave GOD, to leave Her, to even put aside my values for stupid worldly desires.. i've never stopped loving her. i've never. but i just did something that i am really sorry for..i feel so bitter tonight. somehow i remebered our memories we had, i am waiting for her dream to really come true. wonder if she even remembers. or was it a mistake? a mistake she did not want to repeat, so that explains the coldness...

Girl, you might have changed in certain ways, but i know who you are, even how much you change, i know that the real you is still inside you somewhere.... we have distant...and this distant is pressing against me...even through the coldness of your eyes and speech, i know you are still you...you are the one i was infactuated with, and you were the one that i fell in love with...until now, i've done you so much wrong...i'm sorry. one thing that you really could do, is to trust me again. trust me just this last time. just trust me that i love you...never was there a day that i've never thought of you.

tonight is just 2 weeks and 6 days to my o lvls... im trying hard to concentrate. i will be doing well. for the Lord will strengthen me.. i pray. when i look back at this blog, i want to know that i've given my best for my o lvls. and leaving no stone unturn. for i am Strengthened by the creator of this world. even though things happen, the Lord delievers me. Dear Lord, as i commit my relationship to you. MAY YOUR WILL BE DONE. AMEN.